17 Tips to Mastering Conversation With New People

17 Tips to Mastering Conversation With New People

How many times have you avoided talking to someone new because you were afraid that:

• You wouldn’t know what to say.
• You would eventually run out of things to talk about.
• Conversation would be boring or awkward.

That kind of self-doubt can be paralyzing. But you’re not alone.

Each week I get dozens of questions like, “Nick, can you please just tell me exactly what to say? That would really help me get started.”

I wish I could provide you guys with a miracle fix but then I’d just be another scammy marketer.

Conversations are dynamic and unique. You’re speaking with different people, with different personalities, in different situations. If you’re having the same conversations with all of them, then you’re never truly connecting with any of them.

Let go of the idea that a discussion is a mathematical formula. Stop looking for the “secret” to learning how to talk to people.

The answer is to become socially confident through real-world experience.

What I can provide you with are proven guidelines to make those experiences easier and more successful. But it’s still up to you to apply them.

Here are my 17 tips towards mastering conversation with new people.

1. Be genuinely interested in them. Every article on conversation tips starts with “listen well”. But how exactly do you do that?

You already know how! It happens naturally https://personalitydevelopmentv.blogspot.com/2020/03/develop-your-personality.html

                                               

Don’t believe me? Why can you riff with your family and close friends with ease? Because you focus on the words coming out of their mouth rather than what to say next in your own head.

A conversation is a two-way exchange where you build off of what one another says. Listening will give you all the material you need to relate, ask relevant questions, and continue building the connection.

But if you’re not actively interested by what the other person is saying, it’s impossible to have an engaging discussion.

2. Use F.O.R.D. and avoid R.A.P.E. F.O.R.D. is a well-known guideline for what topics are generally effective when connecting with new people. It stands for family, occupation, recreation, and dreams (aspirations).

But, what about topics to avoid? I came across the acronym R.A.P.E. — it stands for religion, abortion, politics, economics. I’d also add in previous romantic relationships.

These are sensitive subjects to many people. Unless you’re really experienced at handling them or they’re relevant to the situation, I’d steer clear until you know the person better. 

3. Ask engaging questions. Stop trying to carry the entire weight of the conversation. Asking meaningful questions takes the pressure off of you.

People love to talk about themselves so encourage them to do so. Invite them to share their passions, opinions, and stories. They’ll leave the conversation feeling like you were a great listener who cared about getting to know them.

Here are three rules for great questions that lead to meaningful connections:

• Open-ended or thought provoking. Questions that are easy to answer with one word do not pry conversation open. Force the other person to think about their answer and give you more material to connect with.
• Creative or unique. Don’t ask the same questions they’ve probably heard a thousand times.
• Emotional. Your questions should evoke feelings and not just yield constant exchanges of data. You want the “why” behind the words.

Don’t stress about coming up with amazing first questions. You’re just opening the door so you can continue to dig deeper. It’s perfectly fine to get the ball rolling with a “standard” question.

Let’s take “occupation” as an example. You might start talking to a woman with:

“So what do you do?”

She then tells you about her career as a travel photographer. You could follow up with a set of progressively bland, factual questions like:

“Did you go to school for it?” / “Do you like it?”

You’ll likely get a lot of short, unenthusiastic, “small talk” replies. It’s also going to feel like an interview.

Or you could use engaging questions like:

“Did you always want to be a photographer or was there a defining moment?” / “What’s the one shot that you’re most proud of?”

Which set do you think will get her excited to respond? Which will make her share real emotion and insight about herself? Which will be most memorable?

Use conversational “hook points” to maintain a natural discussion. Simply put, hook points are any words or ideas stated by the other person.

What’s being said in the moment will provide you with everything you need to fuel conversation. But when you’re in your head and not interested in what the other person is saying (step #1), you miss all the wonderful points of reference you can use to your advantage.

Let’s continue off the example above. You ask, “So what do you do?”. She responds, “I’m a travel photographer. I actually just came back on Wednesday from Argentina.”

What are some hook points I could continue conversation from?

– Travel
– Photography
– Argentina
– Flying (implied by the long-distance travel)

Pick one of the above. There are an unlimited amount of ways you could respond. Think…

Have you been to Argentina? What did you like about it? Do you have a story to share? If not, what do you want to know about Argentina? Are you into photography yourself? How do you feel about flying that long distance?

So you could…

• Ask a relevant or deeper question. Like in the example above, you could immediately follow up with:
  “I’m jealous, that sounds exciting. Did you always want to be a photographer or was there a defining moment?”
  Or even something more lighthearted (but still unique and thought-provoking)…
  “Okay so since you’re a pro, what’s your secret to enjoying a 12 hour flight?” [Flying]
• Sarcastic tease. “Wow, traveling the world and seeing beautiful sites sounds like such an awful job.” [Travel]
• Relate back. “I’d love to visit Argentina – the culture and nightlife seem incredible.” [Argentina]
• Be playful. “Oh my god why would you ever leave that gorgeous weather?” [Argentina]
• Roleplay. “It must be hard handling all that equipment yourself. Looks like I’m your new full-time travel assistant.” [Photography]

Mix up your responses and interject statements in between questions.

So the basic idea is this:

Ask an engaging question -> Listen and choose a hook point -> Make a relevant statement / question -> Repeat listening and choosing next hook point.

5. Maintain https://personalitydevelopmentv.blogspot.com/2020/03/eye-contact-body-language.html
. Without it, you will look nervous, disengaged, or disingenuous. This is especially true while the other person is talking. When breaking eye contact, do it briefly and casually.

6. Don’t be a 1-Upper. If someone’s sharing a story with you (especially if it’s personal) don’t immediately respond with how you have a better, crazier, or more impressive one. It seems like you didn’t care about what they told you. They may even feel stupid and regret sharing their story.

7. Give real, personal compliments. People love to be validated and have their ego fed. Everyone wants to feel attractive and well-liked.

That said, don’t just start giving out cheap compliments. Generic compliments like that have been heard a 100 times before won’t make a strong impact. And if people feel you’re being insincere or have hidden motives, it can have a very negative effect on your connection.

Make sure they’ve legitimately earned it and make it unique to them.

I only give out compliments when someone has opened up to me, shared something personal, and impressed me. They’ve earned my praise and it carries a lot of weight because of it.

Don’t say:

“That’s really interesting.”
“You look nice.”
“You’re fun.”

Do say:

“I love how you’re passionate about so many different things.”
“Damn that jacket looks fantastic on you.”
“I feel like I could talk to you about anything and it would still be fun.”

A couple of genuine compliments go a long way.

8. Take a class

My shyness is worse when others are especially outgoing. Sometimes it feels like you have to hurry up and blurt out whatever you’re trying to say, because the people around you talk so much. For a shy person, this can make social interaction even more stressful.

It’s not for everyone, but public speaking classes were immensely helpful for me. In high school, I took a debate class, and in college, I took a public speaking class. In both, I learned to be comfortable with my voice. It gave me a chance to practice speaking in a situation where others are forced to listen. You have the breathing room and time you need to be eloquent. I might still be interrupted in the real world, but at least I have a bit more confidence in my speaking.

 9. Perfect word

A while back, I went out to coffee with a good friend of mine. Now normally, when I order coffee, I just say, “Hey, I’ll have a latte. Thank you,” before going on my way.

But when my buddy went up to order his coffee, he had four people around him absolutely cracking up within seconds. The barista was smiling. People around him were laughing. And everyone seemed to just really enjoy his presence.

And guess what he said that got all this going. It was, “What’s good today?”

That’s it! From that one line he was able to start a great conversation.

Now I want you to check out the rest of his conversation — and see what you notice:

MY FRIEND: What’s good today?

BARISTA: (smiling) Everything is good.

MY FRIEND: (teasing) Everything isn’t good. Tell me the truth!

BARISTA: Well, we just got a new cold-pressed coffee machine and I hear that’s supposed to be good.

MY FRIEND: No, I mean what would YOU get if you could get anything?

BARISTA: (laughs) I actually think that our scones are the best things ever.

MY FRIEND: Well, I’ll have two of those please!

A few takeaways:

• He’s just saying normal things. There’s no magic line or canned jokes here. My friend was just saying simple things that, on their face, aren’t very clever…but none of that mattered!
• He had a lot of energy. The way my friend said things was way more important than what he said. If he went into this situation with low energy and delivered everything in a monotone voice, he would not have gotten the same positive effect.
• The cashier LOVED this. She spends all day listening to those aforementioned monotone voices order the same thing over and over. Finally, she got someone who broke that monotony and made her smile. My friend brightened her day and was memorable.

My friend did all this by leveraging a system called the “Perfect Words.”

What are the Perfect Words? Luckily for you, they created a whole book of them called…

…the dictionary.

The truth is there are no Perfect Words.

Instead, it’s how you say things that determines how you come off.

To show you what I mean, I’m going to give you three phrases and show you exactly how you can use them to open a great conversation:

1. Hi, how’s your morning going?
2. Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m vikas
3. Good morning. How are you?

These three simple phrases have no “magic” to them — and yet they’ve worked millions of times since the dawn of conversation openers.

What I want you to do now is start to consider the different ways you can deliver these phrases.

Here are three simple ways you can do that:

1. Smiling. Many of us don’t typically smile when we’re opening a conversation. We’ll say things like, “Hi, how’s your morning going?” and deliver it like we’re a doctor giving bad news. But when we DO smile, it’s the instant ice breaker. And it’s so simple to do. So practice letting your smile “fill your face.” I used to videotape myself speaking to find out I wasn’t smiling enough. It gets easier once you start practicing.
2. Slow down. The speed in which we say something can have a huge effect on how people perceive us. When we’re nervous, we tend to speed up the way we talk. When we slow down though, it gives people time to connect with you. Couple that with a good smile and you got a winning system. So try slowing down what you’re saying by 50%. It will feel sluggish, but this is perfect for everyone else. It helps to enunciate your words too. Young vikas got way ahead using this one tip.
3. Change your tone. Way back in the day, I had no tonality whatsoever when I talked. I’m sure you could close your eyes and not tell if you were conversing with me or Ben Stein. Eventually I realized this, so I started to speak with more energy — and it did WONDERS. Try taking whatever level you’re at when you normally talk, and add 50% more energy into your voice. What feels weird to you is NORMAL to everyone else.

Action step: Implement the Perfect Words 3x/day for a week

I want you to use the three phrases above every day for seven days on different strangers. It can be your Amazon Prime delivery guy, your barista, the checkout lady at the grocery store, whoever!

As you use the phrases though, keep in mind the different ways you can change up how you deliver your words (smiling, slowing down, and changing your tone).

A few other things to remember:

• They’re called social “skills,” and like any skill, you can get better at them. We’re starting small on purpose. As you get more used to it, you can start to scale and open conversations with more people.
• Most people you talk to are bored all day long. This means you’ll be doing them a favor by engaging with them just like my friend was with the cashier at the coffee shop.
• Note their reactions and your reactions. Did the person you’re talking to start smiling and laughing because of your energy? Or did they retreat because you made them uncomfortable? How did you feel while you were smiling or talking slowly? 

Don’t worry if this doesn’t feel comfortable right away. It’s not supposed to. Just trust the system.

How to talk to people system #2: Make a Story Toolbox

I’m a firm believer in the idea that telling a story is the best way to engage someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re with friends or if you’re trying to sell a product. A good story can make a world of difference when it comes to building a good first impression (notice the beginning of this very post…).

That’s why you always want a large well of great stories to draw on.

You can create your Story Toolbox using any tool you prefer, such as:

• Google Docs (what I use)
• Microsoft Word
• Microsoft Excel
• Evernote
• A physical notepad

It doesn’t matter what you record them with as long as you ARE recording them. These stories could be funny, entertaining, or serious — and you might actually want to organize them as such.

Action step: Create your Story Toolbox

Designate a place to put your stories, and start by adding five of them.

If you can’t think of five good stories, think back to the last time you hung out with your friends or family.

• What did you talk about?
• What made everyone laugh?
• Every family has an embarrassing/hilarious story. What is it for your family?

Hang out with your friends or family in the next few days, and write down the things you naturally talk about. This will help seed your Story Toolbox for the first time.

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